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The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to Do When a Parent's Love Rules Your Life
Free Ebook The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to Do When a Parent's Love Rules Your Life
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Do these "endearments" sound familiar to you?
"Of all my children, I expect the most of you." Translation: I've selected you to be the one to make my life worth living.
"You've never caused me a minute of trouble." Translation: Ignore your own needs, I can't handle them.
"You're the only one who truly understands me." Translation: I would be totally alone if it weren't for you.
If so, you may have been a "chosen child", seemingly the focus of loving and devoted parents, but in reality a child walking a psychological tightrope - learning early on to deny your own needs in order to meet the emotional needs of a parent. Today, there is a name for this devastating form of child abuse: emotional incest. Here, Dr. Patricia Love offers adults real hope - and help - in overcoming the hurtful legacy of being a chosen child. Based on proven therapeutic techniques and using real-life case histories, her total program of recovery will help you identify the signs of emotional incest, confront your parents - and your past - with love and understanding, disentangle your life from theirs, and create a positive relationship with your parents - and your own children.
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Audible Audiobook
Listening Length: 11 hours and 14 minutes
Program Type: Audiobook
Version: Unabridged
Publisher: Tantor Audio
Audible.com Release Date: February 21, 2017
Language: English, English
ASIN: B06VTGPKXZ
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
This author has (had) the potential to really help adult children who grew up in an emotionally incestuous household. The beginning, when she provides an illustration of emotional incest, was really, really validating for me and helped me understand a lot of the complexities of my personality--things that seemed like positive traits in myself and my parent but that resulted in really yucky feelings. I am dismayed at the 1-star reviewers who view the behavior outlined in the book as normal--it is not normal or healthy. As someone who is desperately trying to break free of the very damaging dynamics between my mother and myself now that I am a parent, I took a lot of comfort from the author's assertion that emotional incest is not the child's fault, but that as adults we are empowered to break free and not repeat the cycle.Where I began to panic while reading the book is in the section about recovery. Love never addresses the fact that some adult children may really NEED to break off ties with an abusive parent. She does a great job of helping the reader understand that the parent probably was unaware of their harmful actions, but fails the reader by implying that children have a lifelong obligation to their parents, including seeing to it that their parents receive care when they are elderly. I think these are good general social rules to follow, but in the case of abusive parent-child relationships, the child should feel no obligation to allow the parent to remain a part of his or her life. People dealing with the aftereffects of emotional incest and realizing the damage it has done in their lives are in a vulnerable place, and it is very, very, very difficult to build the strength, courage, and self-affirmation necessary to break away from an abusive, emotionally over-involved parent (and Love implies that breaking away is absolutely necessary).For me, the suggestion that it's not OK to take space from the parent, temporarily or permanently, seemed like very poor advice. Love describes boundary setting and knowing limits and implies that by merely stating limits and boundaries the relationship can be healthy. Perhaps this simple solution works for some, but I'm guessing that many people who picked up this book have tried many, many times to set boundaries only to have them broken time and again and who continue to suffer emotional abuse and little separation from an invasive parent. For me, setting boundaries has not worked. I wish she would have given some advice in the exceptional situations where a parent will.not.let.go of his or her control over a child, where abuse may come into play, and where it may be necessary for an adult child to more completely separate and grant themselves the freedom from obligation to a parent, whether that means cutting the parent out of their life or not.So, I thought the book explained the syndrome very well and was very validating, but the author fails to see the process of healing through to the end by jumping to suggestions about managing the parent's behavior and insisting that a child remain obligated to the parent in question because it's not his or her fault that the emotional incest occurred. I get it--it's really taboo to cut a parent out of your life. But let's face it, some people grew up with a toxic-enough parent who continues to rule their life that it's the only way, if only temporarily. I felt she passed judgment in a subtle way on people who choose not to continue a relationship with a parent, which is sad because anyone dealing with this is probably already bogged down with a crushing guilt about even acknowledging a parent's serious faults.Good read, not to be taken on without a good therapist to work through this syndrome though.
I think they actually accidentally sent me two books. One looked like the cover as pictured, but the other was a hard back with a pink cover. Either way this is a good book. I can relate to a lot of what the author is saying in the beginning of the book.The only thing I did not like about the book was it talked about ways to "make amends" in the back. Yes, with some parents it is possible to form a new healthy relationship, but some people you just can't reach. I don't know if she mentions the no contact option in the back of the book but for some children they will end up having to cut ties completely with said person because not all people are capable of respecting your boundaries.
Wow. This book is extremely validating for anyone who grew up with an invasive parent. I didn't even know there was a name for what I went through growing up...and I didn't actually realize how much it affected me until I read this. The first half of the book was extremely helpful in describing emotional incest, health and unhealthy family dynamics. The second half of the book describes tools and methods to break free from emotional incest...I found some of these tools helpful, but others did not appeal to me.
I recognized many aspects of my own youth and early life in this book and came to a deeper understanding of the family dynamics that shaped my development into an adult. The title may be slightly misleading but the material is rational and understandable. It should help many people who sensed there was "something wrong" with their early life and been unable to get a grasp on it. With this, you probably can. Then you can start the process of forgiving yourself and those who caused you pain and distress which is a key step in healing.
Despite the ick-factor of the title, this is a life-changing book. My husband was loaned a copy after a discussion with a friend about a Psychology Today article on difficult mothers "Mother, Damned-est." After reading the book, his eyes were opened to how his childhood was damaging our marriage and it actually started him on a difficult journey of reframing his world. He asked me to read the book too. This book shed light on many issues in our marriage and helped me understand my husband in ways I hadn't before. We've recommended it to many people and have purchased a few copies for friends who have been blown away by this book. This book is not an excuse to blame your parents for problems in your life, but rather something to illuminate and explain issues and, hopefully, be a catalyst for personal and interpersonal growth. This book changed my husband's life and, thus, our marriage.
I've only been reading this for a little while, but it is speaking directly to me. It is not full of blame, shame, anger at people, which is a prison I have lived in before that I'm looking to get out of. It is practical, insightful, and spot-on. If you have a feeling this book could help you, don't hesitate to get it.
This book is well researched, cites its sources, and provides excellent therapeutic exercises. Despite the sort of "shock value" cover/title, this is really a solid self-help book and I highly recommend it. Good balance of anecdote and fact, well paced, not repetitive, doesn't talk down to you -- I couldn't put it down.
This is an amazing book that addresses a topic few people are willing to take a personal look at. I highly reccommend it for those adults who grew up being micro-mamanged by one or both parents.
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